Larry King Award Winner - Turner and Hooch

For some unknown reason I am a man who suffers from some of the worst luck (or bad Karma) that exists on this planet.

Case in point; I arrive in Toronto yesterday late at night from a trip to Nashville. As I come in there is about 100 people in Customs and 2 so called tough guy "Kojaks" with a loveable Black Labrador by there side. They walk up every aisle and Hooch decides by leg is his own personal hump stick as he sniffs my pocket and climbs on my leg. With this Kojak and Briscoe man the points as they spring into the "Arrest the guy with the golf shirt and Khakis mission, he looks like a drug dealer" I laugh as the cops man the exits just in case I might run and jump on the plane and fly somewhere. Knowing I have no drugs on me I laugh to myself at the utterly inept display shown. I guess to throw me off they do another round of Hooch smelling, and guess what Hooch likes the hell out of me. Then they throw in this twist, as I get up to the counter Hooch gets to go by me again. This time he jumps up on me and makes a pretty nice scene. I hear the oohs in aahs from the people behind me who are thinking they are seeing the greatest takedown in the history of Pearson International. Anyways surprisingly as I walk through the doors I am stopped by Turner, who definitly has a Napolean complex. His first question to me is "Where's the drugs" to which I say "I have none". He then comments that Hooch certainly liked me and he doesn't make mistakes. About 45 minutes later after being searched and played with I leave with no apology and surprisingly no handcuffs, Good to see the fine women and men of the Pearson international at there best. The scene they put on for everyone certainly made me feel like I was Manuel Noreiga walking into the US. By the way what Hooch smelled was my money. When the crowd went away and I was in a room with Hooch with my pockets empty and contents of my bag thrown everywhere, he didn't like me anymore. Turns out someone before me who possesed the money bill used it as a drug device. Of course 'Turner" still believes it was me. Anyways while I wish for a case of heartworm to Hooch and some height for Turner I am going to award the trophy to them. F^%& you.

In other ranting news,

1. I pretty much called the Pat O'Brien case, however instead of the living fossil Barbara Walters, Pat turned to the inbred hypocrite Dr. Phil. "Own it eh Dr. Phil, why don't you Own some hair and maybe Own a diet too

2. People who think Belinda Stronach defected to the Liberanos because she did not want to be a traitor to her ideals, should be sent to an insane asylum. The only reason she did it was because she received power. Now she is a cabinet minister with the same party who pretty much called her a slut and made fun of her 2 months ago. To join someone who badmouthed you and who you badmouthed has nothing to do with her values. The fact that some people who I consider smart believe this is a pretty big kick in the nards if you ask me. Paul Martin has now bought his survival. First by making a deal with smiling Jack "Stalin" Layton, not accepting a resignation vote that passed, and now adding a Hussy to his cabinet. Could make a good Sopranos episode titled, " How I stayed in power, Made a deal with a Commie and a Ho."

3. First off listening to baseball is not fun but as I went into work yesterday and heard the Fan 590's voices of the Blue Jays, Jerry Howarth and Warren Sawkiw banter, I wanted to hang myself. I don't mind Jerry but Warren Sawkiw is absolutely horrible. I mean does he have a job because the FAN 590 has to employ at least one mentally challenged person on its lineup. He brought up the fact that what a coincidence it is that Shannon Stewart wanted to stay in Toronto but went to Minnesota, and yet Cory Koskie wanted to stay in Minnesota and went to Toronto. What in the name of blue jesus does that have to do with anything you F'n retard. Heh once Paul Martin gets a Retards Are Us station to buy the mentally challenged vote on 81.3 FM, Warren would be the perfect host but for now get that god damn fruit off the air and at least put Mike Wilner in the position. He at least has an IQ over 40.

Enough of my rant for now.

Larry King Award Winner Week of April 25th - Alonzo Mourning

Well this week the trophy goes to one of the biggest morons of the basketball world, otherwise known as the smartest athletes professional association. The biggest moron of them all seems to be Alonzo Mourning who said this week that he sacrificed everything for his chance to play with the Miami Heat and get into the playoffs and contribute. Well I suggest sacrifice is a pretty strong statement, and let's look at the ungodly sacrifice this asshole has made.

1. Signs a 3 year deal with the New Jersey Nets, not the Miami Heat, for a ton of money 2 years ago. Plays like a chump. But wants to be on a contender. Of course with his medical situation (which I will delve into later) his contract is uninsurable. New Jersey GM makes a big mistake.

2. In his first ultimate sacrifice he demands a trade back to the Heat because he is unhappy with direction of Nets. Of course this had nothing to do with his lousy play or lengthy absence. I mean this is the Basketball god known as ZO right. How could he play for this terrrible team, he has standards you know.

3. New Jersey try to buy him out. He refuses because in Zo's world sacrifice doesn't mean I don't get paid.

4. Gets traded to Raptors, refuses to shows up, comes up with the I am sick line. Meanwhile attending Heat games, and jumping up cheering for the club, but oh let's not forget the reason he isn't playing for Raptors is he is sick, therefore Raptors still have to pay him. If he refused to play no Money. Again sacrifice doesn't mean I don't get paid, right asshole.

5. Rob Babcock in a moment of David Koresh lunacy buys out The "Whole High and Mighty Sacrificer" Alonzo Mourning for 10 million. Meaning Alonzo doesn't play a second in Toronto and gets 10 million. Ladies and gentlemen if this is not sacrifice I don't know what is.

6. Signs with Heat professes he made an extreme sacrifice (10million, plus lying he is sick).

Well Zo we should just put the crown of thorns on you because aren't you just the J.C (Jesus Christ) of the NBA. The ultimate sacrifice of lying, cheating and taking money. Your a goddamn disgrace. Although if you meant sacrifice as giving up your dignity and manhood I could see that.

So what does the NBA do with this guy. They market him as someone people should look up to because he is a warrior for overcoming kidney problems. Well it's no wonder Kids are screwed up these days using these aholes as role models. Plus Alonzo how did your kidneys go wacko on you. I am guessing it was that Wheaties and milk you had for breakfast right? There is no possible way it was because your were on roids and taking painkillers like they were going out of style?

So Zo why don't you lay back pop a couple of pills, take some roids, and hopefully have another kidney failure, and while your at it Here's a trophy for you, the Larry King, because if there is any justice in the world, you should not win the NBA trophy. Peace out Alonzo "Jesus" Mourning.